grief triggers

I have a lot of updating to do. Life is beyond hectic, and that sometimes keeps me from actually feeling the things I need to feel. I push them down because I just don’t have time to deal with the emotions.

The “anniversary” of Oliver’s death was 5 days ago. It fell on a Sunday, which means the kids were home and I didn’t have much downtime to grieve, or even think much about, my sweet boy.

But oh, we have a baby now. After 10 years of infertility, and needing IVF to have the babies we had, I got pregnant the old-fashioned way. First time in ten years. TEN FUCKING YEARS. I got the positive pregnancy test a few days after the “anniversary” of Oliver’s death. My due date was the EXACT SAME as it was with the twins. I realize it sounds like I’m full of shit, but this happened. And while the twins were born on March 1st (two weeks early), my sweet new babe arrived on March 20, six days overdue. On the first day of Spring. And her name is Violet.

Violet is amazing. She is the perfect baby… and I’ve never had one of these! She is happy all of the time, she is a great sleeper. She’s just an easy baby. I really never thought I could make one of those.

But, Violet being born in March, so close to Avery and Oliver’s birth day… she’s hitting all her milestones at very similar times of the  year, and it’s so hard. It’s so wonderful, but so, so hard.

Violet is almost four months old. I’m feeling my paranoia and my anxiety ramp up. Today was a Friday in July. Oliver died on a Friday in July. Violet ran out of milk at daycare. Oliver ran out of milk at daycare on the day that he died. Violet’s daycare teacher told me that it’s ok, she’s sleeping now, so I don’t need to bring more milk down. I wanted to scream at her to not let Violet sleep! Please! Keep her awake and alive.

I wear Violet a lot in a baby carrier. And I give her so many kisses on her forehead. Tonight, it’s a balmy 75 degrees in here, and we have plenty of fans blowing. Violet’s skin feels a little clammy, and upon the last kiss on the forehead I gave her, she felt a bit cooler than normal. And I instantly think of the last kisses I gave Oliver on his forehead. Hours after he died, as I was holding him in my arms, never wanting to let go. But, he started to get cold. The warmth was leaving his body, and it was time for me to give him up.

Having a new baby after your baby dies can be at times uplifting and comforting, and at other times a cruel reminder of what you once had. And soon enough, once Violet turns 4 months and 8 days old, it will be a reminder of what never was.

 

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Violet resembles her big brother ❤

Author: unaffected

Infertile mother to a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old twinless twin. Surviving motherhood after infant loss.

3 thoughts on “grief triggers”

  1. Grief and joy living side by side…it sounds confusing and hard and impossible to process — or to fully feel either one. I just hope you’ll take the time to take care of yourself, and to feel what you need to feel, as much as you can. And I’m praying you find some peace in doing so. Thinking of you, and Oliver, this month especially.

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  2. Violet certainly does resemble her big brother. ❤️ Congratulations on her unexpected, exciting, and safe arrival!

    I was thinking of you just the other day when I saw someone very effectively wearing their baby at the Father’s Market. I thought of your beautiful family photo shoot, of you wearing your sweet boy. I want you to know that people you don’t even know think of your sweet boy at random moments and shoot up love and prayers in his direction and in yours. ❤️

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  3. What a wonderfully beautiful little girl you have there. And I can’t even imagine the anxiety you must be feeling these days. It’s akin to PTSD…all the triggers, all the similarities. It must be so hard and conflicting to try and resolve your feelings. And I can understand how it’s hard to actually feel the feelings when life takes over and won’t let you pause. You are doing great and I am so happy that you have Violet and that she came to you in the way she did. Thinking of you.

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