triggers, triggers, everywhere

Beyonce is having twins. Haven’t you heard? Unless you live, well, nevermind. I know you’ve heard.

It’s everywhere. Her announcement photo. Memes about her announcement photo. Memes saying “I had twins before Beyonce made it cool.”

And I can’t avoid it. I cannot get it out of my face. It’s everywhere, and each day a new something to be shared all over my newsfeed.

And I can’t step away from Facebook, because it is essential to my job.

I want twins again. I want Oliver to be here. It’s not FAIR. I hate saying that, because I feel like a 6-year-old. But fuck. It’s not fair. IT’S NOT FAIR.

Recently, I’ve been reliving so much of the time around Oliver’s death. Not full days, ever, but specific hours of certain days. Specific happenings. Crying in the car. Crying at the computer. Crying as we moved in to our new house. A house that Oliver was never in.

This is not cohesive, I know. My brain is not organized enough right now to write a post that makes much sense.

I just miss my boy so, so, so much. I see photos of 3-month-olds, and 4-month-olds, and I want him back. I want him back so desperately.

march-7-2016
my babies, 6 days old.

Author: unaffected

Infertile mother to a 4-year-old and a 1-year-old twinless twin. Surviving motherhood after infant loss.

4 thoughts on “triggers, triggers, everywhere”

  1. I’m so very sorry. It’s definitely NOT fair. I can’t even fathom the range of emotions that wash over you each and every day. You are in my thoughts often.

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  2. I keep re-reading this, hoping that I’ll find something profound to say in response, but there’s nothing. ‘I’m sorry’ seems inadequate, and yet it’s all I have. I’m so very sorry that this is something you’re going through and that there’s nothing I, or anybody else, can say or do to change it. I think of you, and Oliver, frequently. xo

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